I'm Not Gay!
 |  |  |  |  |  |
Below is an excerpt from my play "I'm Not Gay!", as produced in Iceland in 2005, under the translated title
"Eg Er Ekki Hommi!" (trans. by Thordis Elva Thorvaldsdottir). The video is from the first scene only, though
the play continues on for another hour and twenty minutes. Below the video is the original English dialogue
for the scene, if you wish to follow along. "I'm Not Gay!" has been produced successfully on several
occasions as a 10-minute play, AND as a full-length production. For a copy of the full script (OR the full
video), please contact me at click here to email. Thank you, and enjoy the show! :O) -Dan Guyton
"Eg Er Ekki Hommi!" (trans. by Thordis Elva Thorvaldsdottir). The video is from the first scene only, though
the play continues on for another hour and twenty minutes. Below the video is the original English dialogue
for the scene, if you wish to follow along. "I'm Not Gay!" has been produced successfully on several
occasions as a 10-minute play, AND as a full-length production. For a copy of the full script (OR the full
video), please contact me at click here to email. Thank you, and enjoy the show! :O) -Dan Guyton
For more videos, please click HERE
I’m Not Gay!
A full-length play by Daniel Guyton ©1999
Author holds all copyrights. For performance or production information, please contact author at: click here.
---------------------------
I'm Not Gay!
Winner – Best Comedy, Author’s Playhouse New Author’s Festival - 2005
Characters:
GARY - a 25 year old accountant type
MICHAEL - a 25 year old athletic type
Setting:
The landing of a New York City high-rise. It is morning. GARY faces upstage in a dull gray business suit, his
briefcase in his hand. He is a small, scrawny man with large, fearful eyes. He wears glasses, and his hair is
neatly parted. He is preparing for an arduous day of work at the computer terminal, and he is dressed
accordingly. He faces an elevator door, which is indicated with sounds and mime. The play begins in silence.
GARY presses the elevator button. Long pause. He looks around. Sighs. He presses it again. Comedic
business. The elevator opens. He enters. He faces forward and presses the button for down. The doors are
about to close, but MICHAEL rushes in and stops them. He is going to the gym and wearing the appropriate
attire. He is an athletic man, the very antithesis of GARY. GARY looks up to see MICHAEL and he quickly looks
away. MICHAEL pretends not to notice GARY. He, too, faces forward. He, too, presses the button for down.
GARY: I’m not gay!
(Pause)
MICHAEL: Ok. Thanks.
GARY: I mean, not that there’s anything wrong with being gay, I
mean, you know, I just, I mean, I’m not.
MICHAEL: Yes. I know. Thank you.
GARY: Because, I mean, you know, what people do in their own bedroom on their own time is
their own business. I mean, if they wanna go having some wild crazy gay sex with some guy in
their own bedroom, I mean, then so be it. I mean, who am I to stop them, right?
MICHAEL: Right.
GARY: But, I’m just saying, you know, you won’t catch me playing naked Twister with another
man on my day off. Uh uh. Not me! No sir. No way.
MICHAEL: Uh huh.
GARY: Because I’m not gay.
(Pause)
MICHAEL: Look. Gary. I know you’re not gay. We’ve discussed this before.
GARY: Oh. Ok. Just making sure we’re clear on that is all...
MICHAEL: It’s clear, Gary. It’s clear.
GARY: Cool. (Pause) You believe me, right?
MICHAEL: Yes, Gary, I believe you!
GARY: Ok! (Pause) So, what’s it like being gay?
MICHAEL: It’s the most wonderful feeling in the world.
GARY: Really?
MICHAEL: No. It’s just... whatever, you know? What’s it like being straight?
GARY: It’s great. I love it!
(MICHAEL eyes him curiously)
MICHAEL: Well, good. I’m glad.
GARY: You going down?
(Small pause)
MICHAEL: I’m not going up.
GARY: Oh. Well, I’m going down.
MICHAEL: Gee thanks, Gary. I wasn’t sure.
(Pause)
GARY: Where you headed?
(MICHAEL looks at his outfit.)
MICHAEL: I’m going to work out.
GARY: You’re not going to work?
MICHAEL: Nope.
GARY: Why not?
MICHAEL: Because I called in sick.
GARY: But, you’re going to work out!
(Pause)
MICHAEL: Shhh. Don’t tell.
(GARY nods)
GARY: Do you... work out often?
MICHAEL: You ask me that every time I see you.
GARY: Oh, right, right. (Small pause) So, do you?
MICHAEL: Yes, Gary. I work out often.
GARY: Cool. (Small pause) Do you like it?
MICHAEL: I do it often, don’t I?
GARY: True, true. So, what’s it like kissing men?
MICHAEL: Why do you care?
GARY: I don’t! I just… I mean I’m not gay, or anything, I just wanna know.
MICHAEL: What’s it like kissing women?
GARY: Yeah, but I mean, some men have mustaches and, you know...
MICHAEL: Some women have mustaches, too, Gary.
GARY: Do you like it up the ass?
MICHAEL: What?
GARY: I said, “Do you like it up the...?”
MICHAEL: Why do you care? Why the... fuck do you care if I like it up the ass or not?
GARY: I don’t! I just... I’m not gay! I’m just curious, that’s all.
MICHAEL: Well, don’t be! Just mind your damn business, ok, Gary?
GARY: Sor-ry. (Pause) I’m sorry. I’m just... I’m not used to being around gay people, that's all.
MICHAEL: You’re in New York City, Gary. Get used to it!
GARY: I noticed you don’t lisp. I thought that gay people lisped.
MICHAEL: Yeah, well... I don’t.
(Pause)
GARY: You working tomorrow?
MICHAEL: Yes.
GARY: You’re a cop, right?
MICHAEL: Yep.
GARY: Heh. That’s funny!
MICHAEL: What is?
GARY: A gay cop.
MICHAEL: Why is that funny?
GARY: Oh, I don’t know. I just… picture you with those hardened criminals and those big, metal
handcuffs. Sort of like the Village People.
MICHAEL: I’m not a Village Person. Jesus. Just because I’m gay doesn’t make me some wild
crazy sex freak, all right? I’m just a regular guy. Christ.
(Pause)
GARY: Long elevator, huh?
MICHAEL: You have no idea.
GARY: You ever...
MICHAEL: No! I don’t! Look, I’m a regular guy, ok? I don’t lisp, I don’t have wild midnight trysts in
the park with strange men, I’m not a flaming drag queen. I’m just a human being. I’m trying to live
my life. Ok? Same as you.
GARY: You work out more than me.
MICHAEL: So? What does that mean?
GARY: I... I don’t know.
MICHAEL: Look, Gary, I’m a regular guy. I get up in the morning, I go to work, I come home and I
go to sleep.
GARY: With a man, right?
MICHAEL: Well, yeah, so I sleep with a man! Big deal. Hell, nine times out of ten, that’s all we’re
doing is sleeping! And on the off chance that we are having sex, it’s not something to write
home about.
GARY: Ever lick another man’s balls?
MICHAEL: What?
GARY: I said, “Ever lick another man’s...?”
MICHAEL: What the fuck, Gary? I’m trying to talk to you like a human being, and you’re...
(GARY lets out an anguished cry and throws his arms around MICHAEL. He humps his leg
like a jackhammer.)
GARY: Oh fuck me now! I want it up the ass! Daddy’s been a bad boy!
(MICHAEL pushes GARY off)
MICHAEL: Get off me!
(They stare at each other. GARY clutches his briefcase for dear life)
GARY: Oh God, I’m... I'm sorry! I... I don’t know what came over me! I just... I'm not gay! I was
just...
MICHAEL: Look, Gary, I can’t help you with your problems.
GARY: I don’t have a problem! You’re the one with the problems!
(MICHAEL slaps GARY’s hand away. The elevator opens. MICHAEL backs out quickly)
MICHAEL: Yeah well, at least I know who I’m attracted to! (Under his breath) Freak.
(MICHAEL exits. GARY looks out, stunned)
GARY: I’m not gay...
(Elevator door closes. Lights out. End of scene)
*Again, this scene works well on its own, but it also continues on from here. For a full copy of the entire play,
please email me at click here.
I’m Not Gay!
A full-length play by Daniel Guyton ©1999
Author holds all copyrights. For performance or production information, please contact author at: click here.
---------------------------
I'm Not Gay!
Winner – Best Comedy, Author’s Playhouse New Author’s Festival - 2005
Characters:
GARY - a 25 year old accountant type
MICHAEL - a 25 year old athletic type
Setting:
The landing of a New York City high-rise. It is morning. GARY faces upstage in a dull gray business suit, his
briefcase in his hand. He is a small, scrawny man with large, fearful eyes. He wears glasses, and his hair is
neatly parted. He is preparing for an arduous day of work at the computer terminal, and he is dressed
accordingly. He faces an elevator door, which is indicated with sounds and mime. The play begins in silence.
GARY presses the elevator button. Long pause. He looks around. Sighs. He presses it again. Comedic
business. The elevator opens. He enters. He faces forward and presses the button for down. The doors are
about to close, but MICHAEL rushes in and stops them. He is going to the gym and wearing the appropriate
attire. He is an athletic man, the very antithesis of GARY. GARY looks up to see MICHAEL and he quickly looks
away. MICHAEL pretends not to notice GARY. He, too, faces forward. He, too, presses the button for down.
GARY: I’m not gay!
(Pause)
MICHAEL: Ok. Thanks.
GARY: I mean, not that there’s anything wrong with being gay, I
mean, you know, I just, I mean, I’m not.
MICHAEL: Yes. I know. Thank you.
GARY: Because, I mean, you know, what people do in their own bedroom on their own time is
their own business. I mean, if they wanna go having some wild crazy gay sex with some guy in
their own bedroom, I mean, then so be it. I mean, who am I to stop them, right?
MICHAEL: Right.
GARY: But, I’m just saying, you know, you won’t catch me playing naked Twister with another
man on my day off. Uh uh. Not me! No sir. No way.
MICHAEL: Uh huh.
GARY: Because I’m not gay.
(Pause)
MICHAEL: Look. Gary. I know you’re not gay. We’ve discussed this before.
GARY: Oh. Ok. Just making sure we’re clear on that is all...
MICHAEL: It’s clear, Gary. It’s clear.
GARY: Cool. (Pause) You believe me, right?
MICHAEL: Yes, Gary, I believe you!
GARY: Ok! (Pause) So, what’s it like being gay?
MICHAEL: It’s the most wonderful feeling in the world.
GARY: Really?
MICHAEL: No. It’s just... whatever, you know? What’s it like being straight?
GARY: It’s great. I love it!
(MICHAEL eyes him curiously)
MICHAEL: Well, good. I’m glad.
GARY: You going down?
(Small pause)
MICHAEL: I’m not going up.
GARY: Oh. Well, I’m going down.
MICHAEL: Gee thanks, Gary. I wasn’t sure.
(Pause)
GARY: Where you headed?
(MICHAEL looks at his outfit.)
MICHAEL: I’m going to work out.
GARY: You’re not going to work?
MICHAEL: Nope.
GARY: Why not?
MICHAEL: Because I called in sick.
GARY: But, you’re going to work out!
(Pause)
MICHAEL: Shhh. Don’t tell.
(GARY nods)
GARY: Do you... work out often?
MICHAEL: You ask me that every time I see you.
GARY: Oh, right, right. (Small pause) So, do you?
MICHAEL: Yes, Gary. I work out often.
GARY: Cool. (Small pause) Do you like it?
MICHAEL: I do it often, don’t I?
GARY: True, true. So, what’s it like kissing men?
MICHAEL: Why do you care?
GARY: I don’t! I just… I mean I’m not gay, or anything, I just wanna know.
MICHAEL: What’s it like kissing women?
GARY: Yeah, but I mean, some men have mustaches and, you know...
MICHAEL: Some women have mustaches, too, Gary.
GARY: Do you like it up the ass?
MICHAEL: What?
GARY: I said, “Do you like it up the...?”
MICHAEL: Why do you care? Why the... fuck do you care if I like it up the ass or not?
GARY: I don’t! I just... I’m not gay! I’m just curious, that’s all.
MICHAEL: Well, don’t be! Just mind your damn business, ok, Gary?
GARY: Sor-ry. (Pause) I’m sorry. I’m just... I’m not used to being around gay people, that's all.
MICHAEL: You’re in New York City, Gary. Get used to it!
GARY: I noticed you don’t lisp. I thought that gay people lisped.
MICHAEL: Yeah, well... I don’t.
(Pause)
GARY: You working tomorrow?
MICHAEL: Yes.
GARY: You’re a cop, right?
MICHAEL: Yep.
GARY: Heh. That’s funny!
MICHAEL: What is?
GARY: A gay cop.
MICHAEL: Why is that funny?
GARY: Oh, I don’t know. I just… picture you with those hardened criminals and those big, metal
handcuffs. Sort of like the Village People.
MICHAEL: I’m not a Village Person. Jesus. Just because I’m gay doesn’t make me some wild
crazy sex freak, all right? I’m just a regular guy. Christ.
(Pause)
GARY: Long elevator, huh?
MICHAEL: You have no idea.
GARY: You ever...
MICHAEL: No! I don’t! Look, I’m a regular guy, ok? I don’t lisp, I don’t have wild midnight trysts in
the park with strange men, I’m not a flaming drag queen. I’m just a human being. I’m trying to live
my life. Ok? Same as you.
GARY: You work out more than me.
MICHAEL: So? What does that mean?
GARY: I... I don’t know.
MICHAEL: Look, Gary, I’m a regular guy. I get up in the morning, I go to work, I come home and I
go to sleep.
GARY: With a man, right?
MICHAEL: Well, yeah, so I sleep with a man! Big deal. Hell, nine times out of ten, that’s all we’re
doing is sleeping! And on the off chance that we are having sex, it’s not something to write
home about.
GARY: Ever lick another man’s balls?
MICHAEL: What?
GARY: I said, “Ever lick another man’s...?”
MICHAEL: What the fuck, Gary? I’m trying to talk to you like a human being, and you’re...
(GARY lets out an anguished cry and throws his arms around MICHAEL. He humps his leg
like a jackhammer.)
GARY: Oh fuck me now! I want it up the ass! Daddy’s been a bad boy!
(MICHAEL pushes GARY off)
MICHAEL: Get off me!
(They stare at each other. GARY clutches his briefcase for dear life)
GARY: Oh God, I’m... I'm sorry! I... I don’t know what came over me! I just... I'm not gay! I was
just...
MICHAEL: Look, Gary, I can’t help you with your problems.
GARY: I don’t have a problem! You’re the one with the problems!
(MICHAEL slaps GARY’s hand away. The elevator opens. MICHAEL backs out quickly)
MICHAEL: Yeah well, at least I know who I’m attracted to! (Under his breath) Freak.
(MICHAEL exits. GARY looks out, stunned)
GARY: I’m not gay...
(Elevator door closes. Lights out. End of scene)
*Again, this scene works well on its own, but it also continues on from here. For a full copy of the entire play,
please email me at click here.
