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Where's Julie?

Here are some monologues from my play Where's Julie? I didn't want to include the whole
play on here - mainly for protection purposes. However, if you like what you see here,
please contact me for the full version. This play is a quasi- parody / homage to that
quintessential television genre - The After-School Special. As such, the monologues have a
silliness to them beyond even my usual stuff. It's great fun performed though, and I think
you'll get a kick out of seeing this piece live. Feel free to use these monologues for your
auditions. I just ask that you give me proper credit when you do. Thanks! --Daniel Guyton

MOM
Oh my! You smell like marijuana!
(MOM sits)
I haven’t smelled that since I was a girl. You know, Hector, Julie’s father and I were
in love at a young age, too. Well, I was young anyway. He was much older. I mean,
he wasn't twenty-two! But, he was… he was older. He was about twenty or so. And I
loved him. Oh, he was so handsome. And this was during the seventies, so he was
kind of a pothead. And I thought that was dangerous. It excited me! I came from a
very conservative family, and so this was wild! It was rebellious. And my parents
warned me day in and day out that I should stay away from him. That he was the
devil and he would lead me into temptation. Well, I wasn't having any of that! No sir!
So, I just went right ahead and had my fun. And one night… Well… (Whispering) We
had the sex. Oh boy, was it ever good, but… sure enough, I got pregnant. Julie’s
father wanted me to abort, but my parents wanted none of that! They made me get
married. And I did, and it was ok at first. I was so in love with him. I still am, I
suppose. We had three children, me and Harold. And we are still married today, so I
guess that says something. But, those drugs he did just… They just scrambled his
brains like a cat in a blender! It’s like a big fog just surrounds him day in and day
out. He doesn't know where he is sometimes! He can’t work, he can’t… make his
own breakfast! He’s helpless! He's a big baby! And I want to leave him, Hector! I
want to leave him, but I can’t! Because I love him! Do you see what I'm saying?

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              DAD
You know what it’s like to raise a retard? Do ya? God damn you, boy, you know
what it’s like to raise you?
(JEFF sobs in a fetal position, with game in hand. DAD softens up)
Aw, Jeff, you… you don’t know me. You don’t know me, Jeff! You’re retarded, you
can’t know me. God damn you, boy, you know what it’s like to raise a retard? Do
you? When your own son can’t even catch a football? When I throw it to you, and
you let it hit ya in the fuckin head? (Mad at himself) God damn you, boy. My father
used to play football with me all the time when I was a kid. Shit, I took you to a
monster truck rally when you were eight, Jeff, and you wouldn’t stop screamin.
You screamed for hours! About what, I have no idea. To this day, boy, I have no
clue what the hell you were screamin’ about. Sure as hell wasn’t no damn monster
trucks. What am I supposed to do, huh? What am I supposed to do? You're not
like us, Jeff. You’re not one of us. You play your video games and you zone out
in your little world that you got, and I just… I just wanna talk to you. You’re my son,
Jeff. But, you’re nothing like me.
(He rips the game from JEFF’s hands and throws it in the garbage pail)
When your mother gets back, I’ll have her buy you another one. Just… stop cryin.
I'm sorry I hit you.

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RUNNING CREW 2
You know what gets me, though, man? You know what really pisses me off? You
know, with this whole theater thing? I mean, when I signed up, I thought I'd get to
act, you know? Maybe a little Mamet. Or even a nice romantic comedy. But, the
running crew? What is that? We move furniture? Where’s the glory in that?
Oh look, here’s the door. Oh look, here’s a chair. Oh look, here’s a drunken old
guy in his fuckin underwear! This is shameful, man. This is goddamn friggin'
shameful! I just wanna act! You know? Like… James Dean! Or, or Richard
Dreyfus! I just wanna get up there and just perform! You know? I wanna do
Shakespeare!
(He stands on his chair, melodramatically)
“Romeo! Romeo! Wherefore art thou, Romeo?!?”
(He basks in the glow of his performance)
I mean, that’s art, man! That’s theater. None of this moving furniture crap.

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      JULIE
Dear Jesus, I’m… I’m sorry I called you a crock of shit. I just… I didn’t mean it.
(She drops her hands onto the bed. She sits)
I’m sorry, I’m not very good at this. Praying. Talking to someone who isn’t there.
Or… or maybe you are there, Jesus. I don’t know. Maybe you’re there, but you just
don’t... care anymore. Is that what it is? Because that seems more likely, if you
ask me. You’re there, but you just don’t care anymore.
(She stands up and paces)
Not that I blame you. I wouldn’t care either if I was you. Supposedly, you died for
our sins, yet here I am – still sinning. Everybody’s wicked though, aren’t they,
Jesus? In one way or another. Doing terrible things to other people. To ourselves.
(She sits on the bed)
And now I’m having a baby. Somebody else to do wicked things, and have wicked
things done to him. And for what? For a half a joint on a lonely Tuesday night. What
if I don’t want this baby, Jesus? What if I decide to stop this baby, right now?
Because wouldn’t that be a bigger sin - to bring him into a world like this?
(Pause)
And what if he doesn’t love me?
(Small pause)
I think I know how You felt now, Jesus. On the cross. Alone. Sacrificing everything
for someone else. For everyone.
(Small pause)
Are you there? Jesus?

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      HECTOR
Julie? Yo Jules, you in there?
(He peeks his head in)
Julie? Yo, your friend said you was in here.
(He enters)
Dang, this a nice place.
(He notices JEFF)
Oh hey, little dude, what’s up? You see a girl come in here? About yay-big? Kinda
cute? Little titties?
(JEFF continues playing. HECTOR looks under the bed)
Julie?
(He stands)
Hunh. Damn baby, where you at? I gotta tell you somethin.
(Small pause)
Son of a chulo!
(He pulls out a joint)
Eh, whatever. Yo, you wanna smoke some weed?
(JEFF continues playing)
Yo, I said, you wanna smoke some weed?
(JEFF continues playing)
Little dude?
(JEFF continues playing)
Eh, you’re right. It’s bad for you anyway.
(He sits on the bed and lights the joint. Inhales. Exhales. Contemplates)
Yo, you ever wonder why we’re here? You know, on Earth? Cuz I mean, why Earth,
you know? Why not like Jupiter or… or Saturn? I mean, you got that fuckin ring
around the planet. Be a good place to go joggin, right?
(JEFF continues playing)
But why Earth though, man? I mean, this planet’s loco. Just look at me, for
instance. Do I look like a father to you?
(JEFF continues playing)
Do I look like anything to you?
(JEFF continues playing)
Are you alive?
(JEFF continues playing)
Look, all I’m saying is that it’s crazy, man. Nothing makes sense anymore. You
take my Julie-girl, for instance. Everyone’s so uptight cuz she’s… fifteen years old.
But, I mean, who cares if she just hit puberty? You know? She’s smart, she’s
funny, she’s got a brain up there! She’s not like some of these mami's, runnin
around, all worried about their looks and shit. Man, I know girls my age who ain’t
as cool as her. So why everyone’s got to hate? Just leave a dude alone. My god.
(Small pause)
Yo. I could be chokin’ on this fuckin weed right now, and you wouldn’t even know it.
(JEFF continues playing. HECTOR shakes his head)
Must be a good fucking game.