ALAN types something on a keyboard, then sighs heavily, then types something else.
ALAN:
Dear Mr. Jones, thank you for making my life a living hell. (He scrunches up his face) No, no. I need him to give me
a good reference. (He hits the delete button three times, then types three letters) Dear Mr. Jones, thank you for making
my life a living heck. Yes, much better. In the 14 long but wonderful years that I've worked for you here at
Solomon & Jones, you have never once rewarded me for my hard work or my perfect attendance. Instead, on more
than occasion, you have chosen to berate me publicly. Like when I accidentally backed my car into yours in the
company parking lot. Six or seven times. Or when I exploded the microwave in the company break-room by heating
up my fork.
For four years in a row now, our sales figures have been through the roof, thanks to my clever
bookkeeping skills, but did you ever once offer me a raise, or even a, "Hey, good job, pal, or whatever your name
is?" No. Instead, you said, "What kind of number is A-46-T9-4,000?" as if I was an idiot. Everyone knows that
number was the gross. The net, of course, was E-62-8-7-Z-9."
And I'll never forget that time you invited the whole
sales team onto your yacht for the company picnic, but rather than explain to me why I shouldn't enter the cockpit
while you weren't looking, or turn the steering wheel straight towards the Eastern seaboard, or gun the engine and
then drop anchor while the boat was in motion – instead you chose to call me some discouraging names in front of
the Coast Guard.
Frankly, sir, in an environment such as ours, in which teamwork is a necessity, and in which team-building is a core component of our competency training, I have consistently found your behavior towards me to be
somewhat lacking in this regard. Now, granted, I am aware that my father is one of our key shareholders, and you
are probably loathe to show me some sort of nepotism, for fear of upsetting the other employees. But, I happen to
know for a fact that Sheila McKinnerman from Human Resources was issued a raise just two months ago, and she's
been here for only a year now. Mike Abilone from Sales and Marketing has been here for two years, and now he has
an office with a window. Even Franklin Anchorman from the janitorial staff is getting a much higher paycheck than
I am. I have been speaking with many of the other employees, sir, and I don't believe that they would see my being
treated equally as an unfair advantage. In fact, I believe that they are secretly on my side – although none will
come out and say so, perhaps for fear of your reprisals.
In closing, sir, I'm afraid that I must at this time consider
the possibility of searching for alternative employment. Unless, of course, you'll consider giving me a ten percent
raise, one day off a week, and occasional restroom privileges? Whilst I truly have, for the most part, enjoyed my
time working here at Solomon & Jones, I have to admit, that this new assignment you've given me, of remaining
locked inside of a darkened supply closet for the last two days, with the admonition of, "Maybe now you’ll keep your
clumsy hands to yourself" just seems… Well frankly, sir, I feel it is a task far beneath my experience level. I
sincerely hope you'll give this matter some consideration, and I do look forward to your reply. Sincerely, Alan
Solomon, Junior. (Beat) Esquire. (He scans over the paper) There. Not bad.
